Best Video of the Year
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Ping Pong Balls
Three men wanted to marry the same woman. She couldn't decide. So She decided to come up with a fun way. "Whoever brings me the most ping-pong balls, that's who I'll marry." One week goes by, and the first man comes up with a dump-truck full of ping-pong balls. She's impressed. Another week goes by, and another man comes back with a freight train full of ping-pong balls. She's very impressed. She waits for the 3rd man. Finally, he comes back after six months. He's beat up. He's got a black eye, and he's covered with bruises and splattered with blood. He's carrying a trash-bag. The lady says, "Sorry man, it doesn't look like you have enough ping-pong balls in that bag." He exclaims, "Ping-pong balls? I thought you said King Kong's balls!"
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Drunk and The Cop
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
A blonde gets on an elevator
A blonde gets on an elevator.
already in there,
"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more
slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry,
Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more
slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's
Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry,
Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
Friday, October 9, 2009
I wonder why?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide . . Let's see now...
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No car races
No football
No baseball
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal Mart
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No nachos
No Beer nuts
No Beer !!!!!!!!
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times..
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
Civic Lesson
In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Classroom Joke
Little janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janicefell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But,Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janicefell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake Joke
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Pickup Lines #2
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print
Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Excuse me miss, I don't mean to stare, but um I think you're really Beautiful"
Excuse me miss... Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don't want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.
Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask "where") Over there! (Ask again: "What did I drop?") He answers back: My jaw!
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Blond Jokes
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run - she is still holding the grenade!
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!
Why did the blonde burn her ear? The phone rang while she was ironing!
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said "concentrate" on it!
A blonde once shot an arrow into the air... but missed!
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
A letter to home...
Dear Father, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Blonds Ice-Fishing
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.
"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My Riddle Story (Shoutout to @Suns39)
My Riddle Story (Shoutout to @Suns39)
So at my school, James Madison University, there is a place called "Taylor Down Under." It consists of multiple couches and chairs along with a Java City. It's Just a place to relax and get some work done. That's where I am sitting now. I was debating whether to go the gym or stay here and drink some hot chocolate (the taste buds still haven't acquired the "greatness" of coffee yet haha). The next event made me stay and drink hot chocolate.
There is an stage and microphone in Taylor Down Under and as I was doing work, someone got up on the stage and started to speak. He asked everyone in the room two questions and said that he would get back up on stage in 10 minutes and give us the answers. The questions were:
Why is a riddle like a pencil?
and
I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeze, but can come like a gale. By some I gethit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?
I thought about it for a second, well 1o minutes until he got back up on stage.
He said:
Because it's no good without a point!
and
I am a shadow!
I thought they were kind of good and a little corny but I guess this was the most interesting thing that happened to me today haha.
Shout out to @Suns39 I guess my day wasn't to interesting.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
You Should Listen To Your Wife...
A newleywed couple into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
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